Hmmm... I haven't written much, because I've been thinking in fragments... there's nothing cohesive about my thoughts, other than the fact that they originate in my mind.  Here's some nikkole....

I think, sometimes, that Asian people are black.... especially Pacific Islander Asian folk.  I saw this mother and son duo on the train - He had on his herring bone chain and his Air Force Ones (that's a gold chain and jazzy sneakers, mom).  He had a close fade and a toothpick in the corner of his mouth, positioned just so that it could appear functional without interrupting clear communication.  His mom had her hair close cropped, and her suit on, navy blue with coordinating accessories, and big flashy gold rings.  There was one seat left on the car and he secured it for his mama.  She beckoned him closer to straighten his collar.  They talked about the upcoming events of their day, and upon being asked if she wanted to walk to their destination, she looked up at him, and I swear I saw my mother, aunt, grandmother, cousin and sister take over her eyes and brows with an emphatic, "What I look like, walkin?"  "You done lost yo' mind if you think..."  Then she said, "I don't want to get my hair wet," and she pat the back of her head, coaxing the closely cut, perfectly placed strands done onto the back of her head and neck... and I fell out inside.

So, Obama has clinched the nomination.  Just one year ago, people thought he was out of his mind to even allow his imagination to fantasize about being president, let alone to make a bid for it, but he trusted the instinct within him that told him to proceed despite the worldly appearances.  He had faith the size of a mustard seed, and that faith has seemingly moved a mountain not just for him, but for everybody.  For the first time in the history of Western civilization (it seems), we have a viable candidate for the presidency of the most powerful (whatever that means) nation in the world.  And he just might take it, and was able to come this far not only because of his individual brillance, his unyielding faith and obedience to his inner instinct, but also because of the world's underestimation of him.   Wow.

Yet despite this historic moment, I am not as proud as I thought I would be.  My mother talked of times in our political history that actually brought her to tears: MLKs death... JFK's death... I suppose those are bad analogies, 'cause Barack is not dead.  Nor do I wish him to be dead just so that I can have a moment of emotional pathos equivalent to that of my 1960's mother.  The thought that he would be the target of that kind of hate stings the backs of my eyelids.

I think I am not as mushy as I am capable of being because I don't actually believe in making him my messiah, as I feel like many have.  I think it's a mistake.  He is a man on his hero's journey as much as we are on ours.  He is not responsible for our experience.  He is not responsible for my experience of life.  So I am wary of putting a trophy of him on my mental mantle.  I am also wary because, in the many ways I have been active in participating in his success and in this political race for the nomination, in the ways I've become more astute and knowledgeable of the process and purposes of politics, I realize that I need to be more critical in general -- not just when the media instructs me so, not just when it's exciting.  In Randal Robinson's THE DEBT he creates a ficticious scenario in which African Americans devise for the community-at-large a "card" on which 20 'yes' or 'no' questions are devised to be asked to any public servant vying for our vote and support.  I began to think about what my questions would be:

1.  Do you believe in the death penalty? - No

2.  Will you lead the nation into war? - No

3.  Do you support universal and free healthcare for everyone living in America regardless of citizenship? - Yes

4.  Will you support/create policies that eliminate discrimination in America's immigration policies? - Yes

5.  Will you institute policies that discourage businesses from shipping jobs overseas and hiring illegal immigrants? - Yes

6.  Do you believe that it is every human being's right to have food, shelter and healthcare, and will you institute policies that make that a tangible reality? - Yes

There is no reason why one of the richest nations in the world cannot do this. 

7.  Do you believe in global citizenship and will you encourage that of Americans by participating in the UN to say the least? - Yes

8.  Will you fix social security or devise a way to address financial stability for people in old age? - Yes

9.  Do you support free higher education?- Yes

10.  Do you believe in keeping affirmative action? - Yes

11.  Will you fight for affordable organic food? - Yes

12.  Will you increase taxes? - No

13.  Will you enforce a green automotive industry and create advantages for people/businesses using and garnering alternative and safe forms of energy? - Yes

14.  Do you believe in global warming? - Yes

15.  Will you create and/or maintain policies that work to lessen the economic divide between mainstream America and Black America? -Yes

16.  Will you use the country's resources to support Africa in its efforts to obtain debt forgiveness granted? - Yes

17.  Will you fight for the healing of people of African descent in the form of international acknowledgement of slavery and colonization and institute policies for reparation? Yes

18.  Will you create and/or maintain policies that encourage the fruitful endeavors of Black Businesses? - Yes

19.  Do you believe in the armament of Isreal? - No

20.  Will you work to eliminate nuclear weapons from every nation? - Yes

21.  Will you take lobby or corporate money? No

22.  Will you change policies that make the prospect for candidacy money-based? Yes

23.  Will you make it illegal for a private prison to force labor onto convicts without pay or liability for their safety in engaging such work? Yes

24.  Do you believe in the deconstruction of corporate monopolies in the media and will you fight to dissemble the corporate structures that place ownership of media in the hands of the few? Yes

25.  Will you give money to the arts? Every day

Side note:  I think that the reason arts are so ego-driven is because of the capitalist system that the arts have to compete in.  In order for an artist to maintain his/her standard of living, or get to his/her desired standard of living, they have to make money.  In order to make money, they have to have obtained credit for what they do.  People have to know that they were responsible, and to what degree they were responsible, in order for the artist to be able to demand compensation.  Therefore, people forget about the work, step away from collaboration (because it means you have to split the pie more), and consider how to serve the community less.  

 Okay, I know that was more than 20 questions, but go with me.  Does Obama pass this test?  Not exactly.  Obama believes in war, so he says, which is completely incongruent with his message of change.  I actually don't believe that he believes in war.  I think he doesn't want our macho-culture to think he's a punk, so he says that he's not scared to fight.  He believes in war, he just believes in exhausting the limits of diplomacy first.  I don't know how Obama feels about reparation or affirmative action.  Or immigration. Or the arts.  Or Africa's debt and the World Bank.  Or social security, not that it would help me.  You have to work mainstream in order to benefit from it.  Or the death penalty.  Can Obama pass my test?  Not completely, but I'm sure, I'm sure McCain fails.  So in that sense, we're in the same position we're always in, choosing the lesser of two evils.  Is that really change?  Again, I don't want to put too much onto Obama... he can't address all of my concerns the way I want him to.  But shouldn't he at least have to get an 80% to get my vote.  I mean, come on!  When I was in school anything less than an 80% might as well have been a 30%.  If your not above average, then why be?  We already have mediocrity.  

Something to think about.

I'm voting for Obama.  And I look ahead to being a part of making that happen.  That said, I think some people are distracted.  I was listening to KIIS radio this morning and these two DJs were just harping on Hillary Clinton's suspension speech... they said, "It took her 7 minutes into the speech to give her endorsement!"  They said, "In all 30 minutes of her speech, she only mentioned Obama 14 times!"  They were appalled.  They were angry.  They said, there were rumors from reliable sources that they believe that say Clinton intentionally used tactics that exploited racial tensions in hopes to obliterate Obama.  They said Bill Clinton offended Black people and never said 'sorry', or at least didn't say 'sorry' as extensively as they felt necessary.  They said Hillary didn't mention the historic nature of Obama's campaign or the fact that he was the first Black presidential nominee.   They went on and on, and the poor guest they had on kept trying to get them to see that they were being distracted by their own bitterness, and that none of that mattered except that it would be the very thing to keep them from focusing on what is ahead, on what is good about right now.  And the disc jockeys said, "So and so wants us to get over it.  But I'll never forget.  I'll never let it go.  I guess I'm just hung up."  And they seemed justified.  They seemed content in the thought that they had a right to be mad and bitter and negative and destructive and distracted.  The mentality of oppression will keep your mind on the oppressor even when he, or in this case, she's not there.  Help my people.

Mood:  special

My Grandfather turned 80 years old yesterday.  I asked him how it felt, and he said, "fine."  

Fine?  That's it?

I sat on the other end of the line waiting for some Buddha-like wisdom that would help me deal with the universe in my mind - the hard-knocks life I feel like I have and the chattering lady in my frontal lobe that doesn't think I'll make it, the one that can only see my cup of success as half-empty... the one that sits on a ship and looks ashore and is positive that we are the ones being left behind.  But my Papa was so disinterested in giving me a pep talk or of talking about how old he was.  When I insisted that he elaborate (certainly he had something prophetic to say!) he said that he actually felt the same way he felt when he was thirty, except that his joints sometimes get stiff.  He said that the stiffness goes away, so, all in all, it's not that bad.  He told me that when I get to be his age, I'd probably feel like I was 20 with modern technology, medicine and the fact that I eat so well and all.  He said he forgets things - that he's "run out of room in his brain", which, according to him is also not so bad.  I can totally see that, I mean,  who needs to remember where the remote is, or what day it is, or the name of the grocer.  Even more convenient is forgetting past hurts, frustrations, defeats, guilt and shame.  He was making 80 sound like the place that I want to be, a stiff utopia where I get to say exactly what I'm thinking without consequence and eat what I want to eat without any concern for body-image.  A place where no one expected anything more from me, and I expected no more of myself.  How can I be 80 right now?

I've been told by friends who've made their transition (from 29 to 30, that is) that the most remarkable thing happens: you stop caring about what other people think or say or do.  You prioritize better.  And at the ripe age of 28, I'm trying to skip ahead a couple of years to that part of life... when I don't care what people think of me... when I measure my achievements by how they make me feel... when I can stop comparing myself to others and worrying if I can keep up with their successes... when I can stop keepin a tit for tat score card of accolades and trophies and certificates and degrees and newspaper clippings, and industry nods, and productivity, 'cause right now, I'm in like the 30th percentile, and don't they keep people who are in the 30th percentile back a year.... do I have to repeat year 28 if I don't get my numbers up?  I know, it's absurd and masochistic, but these are the workings of my mind!  It's true.  

I've made it a point (actually a 2008 goal) to enjoy whatever I'm doing as if it were the only thing... as if there weren't an incessant longing in my heart to be, or do, or have something better!  Interesting:  the words 'better' and 'than' go together.  Something can only be better in relation to something else.  I always wanna be better... better than... better than.... everybody?  Better than myself?  How do you quiet these thoughts?  Mediatation... monk-dom... perhaps... but they'll come back like barnacles to the bottom of a boat.  You scrape and scrape, but if you put that boat back in the ocean, the moment I step back into the world, the barnacles will return.  Guaranteed.  How do you be in the world, but not of it?  How do you garner contentment regardless of circumstance?  So do I have to die before it stops?  Is death the only thing that stops it?

My grandfather started to talk about his final rest and I felt my chest tighten and the backs of my eyes heat up.  Why did he want to talk to me about that?  Perhaps he's made peace, but did he even consider that I hadn't - that in my mind he should live forever?  I asked him to stop being so fatalistic, and he said that he wanted to say just one thing to me about it... this is what he said (and I paraphrase)

"I used to be afraid of dying because I didn't know how I was going to eat. (huge Papa laugh)  But when I realized that God would feed me, I was alright."

Buddha speaks.