Mood:  special

My Grandfather turned 80 years old yesterday.  I asked him how it felt, and he said, "fine."  

Fine?  That's it?

I sat on the other end of the line waiting for some Buddha-like wisdom that would help me deal with the universe in my mind - the hard-knocks life I feel like I have and the chattering lady in my frontal lobe that doesn't think I'll make it, the one that can only see my cup of success as half-empty... the one that sits on a ship and looks ashore and is positive that we are the ones being left behind.  But my Papa was so disinterested in giving me a pep talk or of talking about how old he was.  When I insisted that he elaborate (certainly he had something prophetic to say!) he said that he actually felt the same way he felt when he was thirty, except that his joints sometimes get stiff.  He said that the stiffness goes away, so, all in all, it's not that bad.  He told me that when I get to be his age, I'd probably feel like I was 20 with modern technology, medicine and the fact that I eat so well and all.  He said he forgets things - that he's "run out of room in his brain", which, according to him is also not so bad.  I can totally see that, I mean,  who needs to remember where the remote is, or what day it is, or the name of the grocer.  Even more convenient is forgetting past hurts, frustrations, defeats, guilt and shame.  He was making 80 sound like the place that I want to be, a stiff utopia where I get to say exactly what I'm thinking without consequence and eat what I want to eat without any concern for body-image.  A place where no one expected anything more from me, and I expected no more of myself.  How can I be 80 right now?

I've been told by friends who've made their transition (from 29 to 30, that is) that the most remarkable thing happens: you stop caring about what other people think or say or do.  You prioritize better.  And at the ripe age of 28, I'm trying to skip ahead a couple of years to that part of life... when I don't care what people think of me... when I measure my achievements by how they make me feel... when I can stop comparing myself to others and worrying if I can keep up with their successes... when I can stop keepin a tit for tat score card of accolades and trophies and certificates and degrees and newspaper clippings, and industry nods, and productivity, 'cause right now, I'm in like the 30th percentile, and don't they keep people who are in the 30th percentile back a year.... do I have to repeat year 28 if I don't get my numbers up?  I know, it's absurd and masochistic, but these are the workings of my mind!  It's true.  

I've made it a point (actually a 2008 goal) to enjoy whatever I'm doing as if it were the only thing... as if there weren't an incessant longing in my heart to be, or do, or have something better!  Interesting:  the words 'better' and 'than' go together.  Something can only be better in relation to something else.  I always wanna be better... better than... better than.... everybody?  Better than myself?  How do you quiet these thoughts?  Mediatation... monk-dom... perhaps... but they'll come back like barnacles to the bottom of a boat.  You scrape and scrape, but if you put that boat back in the ocean, the moment I step back into the world, the barnacles will return.  Guaranteed.  How do you be in the world, but not of it?  How do you garner contentment regardless of circumstance?  So do I have to die before it stops?  Is death the only thing that stops it?

My grandfather started to talk about his final rest and I felt my chest tighten and the backs of my eyes heat up.  Why did he want to talk to me about that?  Perhaps he's made peace, but did he even consider that I hadn't - that in my mind he should live forever?  I asked him to stop being so fatalistic, and he said that he wanted to say just one thing to me about it... this is what he said (and I paraphrase)

"I used to be afraid of dying because I didn't know how I was going to eat. (huge Papa laugh)  But when I realized that God would feed me, I was alright."

Buddha speaks. 

Mood:  a-ok

I am so emotionally engaged in the lead up to the upcoming presidential election that I've done something unprecedented: For the first time I went to the Democratic Party's website.  

I've been a registered democrat by default all of my voting years, but I've never really taken the in depth time to look to see what I had declared myself to be a part of.  Recently I've been hearing a lot about the lack of spine that democrats have, but when I actually read their platform, their charge, I agreed wholeheartedly.  Honest government.  Who doesn't want that?  Imagine a government that told you the truth even when it knew you'd be upset about it.  A government that sought to serve you, acknowledged that it worked for you, made itself transparent and accountable to you, took the time to ask you how you felt about issues, and informed you of all of the necessary information so you could make an educated decision on your own behalf, to which they would adhere and uphold... wow... that sounds like... I don't know... democracy.  A government that had no interests of it's own... perhaps that's the problem.  The government actually has no interests, it's the people that run the government that have interests.  A government of the people/rich special interest minority, by the people/rich special interest minority and for the people/rich special interest minority...perhaps it should be amended that way for accuracy's sake.  Independent Energy.  I am for my country getting away from oil, and out of other people's countries!  I'm for finding a way to treat the planet better.  I don't know why we just don't go ahead and transfer everything to solar and vegetable power.  We (excluding the fossil fuel industry) wouldn't have to loose anything.  We could keep all of our stuff (Americans love their stuff) and just use windmills to run them instead of fossil fuels.  I'm even willing to give up a few of those electrical amenities to know that the world is benefiting.  I'm for energy independence.  Just think, we'd have no one to fight.  We could be like Canada.  Or Switzerland.  Or Costa Rica, with no army.  Who am I foolin'...  Prosperity and Progress.  The Democrats are talking economic abundance in the form of opportunity and access, and the forward motion of those things not monetary that improve the lives of all.  We're talking universal health care, not capitalist health care.  I just got prescribed medication that was SOO wrong for me (i got so sick!), and I have the sneaky suspicion that the doctor was pushing it so hard because he gets a kick back.  Shady.  This is my health we're talking about here!  Overall, with the Democrats were talking about a government that supports your vision for yourself, provided that that vision doesn't hurt anyone else.  I'm for that.  And I'm for money.  Security.  C'mon.  What is security? That's another blog.  They were talkin' Real security that comes from telling the truth.... and honoring troops when they come home by taking care of them.  Election reform... did you know that Russia has more of a direct election than we do.  We don't need an electoral college to baby sit us... the electoral college made it possible for Bush to steal the election in 2000.  I'm down for a party that acknowledges and honors Martin Luther King, Jr. as a great individual worthy to be praised, not because he was a great Black man, but because he was GREAT.  I am down for a party that is not intimidated by otherness, but values otherness as the diversity that makes us all stronger.  So, I can say, I'm down for the Democrats...how could you not be for a party that gives both a woman and a Black man an open avenue to vie for the highest office of the land?  I am, however disappointed in their effectiveness especially in ending the war... I do wish they were more bold and courageous with their stances... I wish they were willing to let things be rocky in efforts to stand rooted in their charge...it's better to rock the boat and get to our destination than to be anchored on a cushy ship named The Titanic, ... 

To be fair, I had to visit the Republicans as well.  I have opposed them most of my voting life, but really had no specific reason to for myself.  I admit, I was a part of a certain banwagon-ism... the stuff that lynch mobs, and Vanilla Ice fans are made of.... folks caught up in a nasty storm.  As soon as I went to the Republican website, right on the home page it declared, "Barack Obama is the wrong kind of change".  Wow.  No cosy, "Welcome to the RNC, we're glad to have you."  Just hate from the beginning.  (Barack must really have them shook!)  There were no pictures that resembled any kind of happiness or diversity.  I'm surprised they hadn't devised a way to electronically identify my otherness and block my access.  I perused their site, and clicked on "Vote fraud updates".  A map of America appeared and I clicked on FL to read about what they would say about the voting discrepancies identified in the 2000 and 2004 elections.  After clicking, a page appeared and informed me that there was no record of voting fraud in the state of FL.

....... 

 Yep.  Just like there's no record that the government conspired to kill JFK or MLK.  Just like there's no record of the Chicago police MURDERING Fred Hampton or Philadelphia police dropping a bomb on MOVE residents in 1985 or the FBI savagely dismantling the Black Panther Party all, by the way, under the guidance of President Hoover - a Republican.  I would like to know who keeps their records... they're doing a terrible job... it's probably because they've outsourced the job to some poor person in another country for pennies to avoid paying social security and workers comp to an employee from, uh, let's say FL... anyway... one of their bloggers claimed pride at the 'progress' Iraq is making because they have record of a Chinese restaurant opening, and we all know that were there is a Chinese restaurant, there's progress... The blogger went on to say that the Chinese restaurant made Iraq look more like America, and that was the best sign of progress there could be.  So the goal of the republican party is to get every place to look like America, and play the marketplace game like America, so that America has the advantage, since it made the rules, and can control the board.  My older cousin used to do that to me all the time.  She'd learn some game she, no doubt, sucked at with her peers, but antagonistically forced me to play, without providing me the means to be on equal footing, just so she could beat me and oppress me and subject me to all of her dirty work.  That's what the republicans are after, someone to do their dirty work.  Ownership is a strong point on their agenda... why, because for them property rights serve as a proxy for human rights.  To republicans you actually have no rights unless you have some assets - some stocks and bonds, a couple of condos, a home, a business, a 401K and some oil.  They are also big on morals and values... like the autonomy and honorability of family, sex only in the context of marriage, God's presence in schools.  But it all seems to be for show.  They have the same family issues as everybody else, they just don't want to talk about it.  That's why it Reagan - a Republican - took so long to admit that HIV/AIDS was a national problem... all because he didn't wanna talk about sex and homosexuality and drug use... as if the act of not acknowledging it in conversation meant it would go away... how immature, short sighted and selfish.  They all have pre-marital sex, marital affairs, and post-marital sex as much as anyone else.  They want to acknowledge God in schools as much as anyone else.... they just want you to do it their way.  That should be their motto:  Republicans - Do it our way, or else.  So, all of this values and morals stuff is just for show... they have no desire to actually have the real conversations and make the real policy that will strengthen families, honor the blessing of a person's right to choose where, when and with whom to engage in sex and it's outcomes or allow the benevolent presence of God in all forms into the fabric of every American experience (wasn't this country founded by folks fleeing religious oppression?).  I realized that republicans have no appreciation for dissent or diversity.  And most importantly I realized that if they had no one to oppose, they would have no agenda.  That's why I can't support them, because they've based their ability to thrive as an organization on the concept of war... and when war is your agenda, there can be no peace.  And I want peace.  So I can't be a Republican.  I've accepted this.  Really, I'm okay with it.

 In actuality, I realize that neither of these groups really care whether I'm at 'the party' or not.  They care about the people/businesses who pay for them to get elected.  Black folks never pay for anyone to get elected (although we certainly have the purchasing power to).  And women sometimes do, but not enough to be relied on.  So, as a Black woman, I'd basically better hope my interests and concerns align with some white men who buy politicians 'cause that's the only way I will be addressed.  And then when you think that politicians don't serve the interests of the people, they protect the economic interests of those who paid for them to get elected, then you understand the flaws of capitalism.  There are many advantages, but even they, like everything in a capitalist society, have a price, and like humanity on an auction block, will be sold to the highest bidder.

Nevertheless, I refuse to be overwhelmed by the kind of petrified cynicism that lulls my tear-stained, blood-covered vote to sleep.  Right now, I unapologetically proclaim that I am a Democrat... and, as an artist,  I simultaneously pray that neither McCarthyism (he was a Republican, ya'll), or any of it's ugly cousins, will ever wag their pointer fingers my way.... 

Mood:  a-ok

How can I want to be famous without first wanting to know my neighbors.  How is it that I want to impact the world, but skip over the impact I can have right now in my community... in myself.  There is a divine order to the world, and there are steps in the process of evolution of anything.  A flower isn't sprouted in bloom.  A baby isn't born a woman.

I have no idea where those words just came from. LOL!  None, whatsoever.  I think I've been reading a lot of spiritual books in my life so I start to think in the tone of them.  Sometimes I think like this:

All that remains of my baby hair

Is right there on the side

All the rest is nappy.

It's not in the form of the Haiku, but that's what it is.  These little tidbits of poetry just come to my mind and I regret that I don't have my notebook and pen close by to capture them most times.  IT has always been a desire of mine to write a book of poetry.

 Yesterday (or so) I was on the NJ Path train and I saw an older Asian man enter the train all bundled up.  It was brick outside, so cold that you could not only see the mist of condensation coming from your mouth as you breathe, but even the thin streams of warm air escaping your nostrils had the same effect.  He stood in front of me in his down mermaid coat, tightly hugging his body down to his knees and did the most revolutionary thing.  He reached down and unzipped the coat from the bottom all the way to his waist and sat down in that typical male "my legs aren't really big but they need to spread way out anyway" pose.  I had never understood the purpose of the double zipper until that moment!  It made so much sense.  Sometimes it's better to unzip from the bottom.  Who knew?  

I can't believe it's already 2008.  My passport expires next year, as does my California Drivers License and I wonder if I'll make the effort to hold on to it any longer.  I've taken trips back to California just to go to the DMV and renew without suspicion (don't tell nobody!)  I've used up all my my time to renew via mail... and the last time I did that the office called me out by refusing to place my old L.A. address on the license!  So I have a California license with a New York address!  I get challenged for it all the time when I go to clubs, or need to pick up my packages at the post office.  I always find myself explaining the circumstance with that pseudo-laugh that tries to get the other person to find it amusing, but they don't.  It's quite evident that I'm not going back to live in Los Angeles any time in the foreseeable future, but, then again, the future wasn't designed for me to see, so who knows?  I thought about the possibility of transferring it over to a New Jersey license and this overwhelming feeling of demotion sat on my chest.  New Jersey!?!  From California to New Jersey!?!  I'm such a Cali snob! LOL.  It's true.  No state is as great as my home state in my mind.  I think California is so great, that it actually pains me to return because I know that there's a possibility that the actual life there won't live up to the 8mm memories I've archived in my mind.  In my mental California  the sky is crisp and clear and pure in it's blue.  There are dolphins playfully jumping and portentous whales spraying water with their blowholes.  There is warm sand, yellow sun, and a silght breeze from the north.  There are family reunions, and barb-b-ques  right next to taquito stands and mariachi music.  There are brothers on the porch lookin' so clean in their dickies and tank tops, and women so colorful in their sun dresses.  No one is working in my mental California.  There's no smog in my mental California.  There are no mudslides or forest fires.  There's no superficiality either... or any hardship for that matter.  

But from what I understand a lot is changing.  The area I most love - Leimert Park, Windsor Hills, Crenshaw district, View Park, Baldwin Hills - is being gentrified, ya'll.  White folks in my all-black utopia of home.  I don't hate white people, but the thought disturbs me greatly.  White folks at the Slauson and Crenshaw shopping center!?! That don't even sound right.  Why don't they just stay in Hollywood and the Valley.  White kids going to Crenshaw High!  My heart hurts to think about it.  I wonder if white people think the same thing about us?  Of course they do.  Everyone wants everyone else different to stay out of their home towns.  It's one thing to go visit "others", cuz then the "foreigner" is an interesting tourist attraction.  But at home?  You want your own.  Everyone does.  We're socialized to like it that way.  The Mexican's think?  The Asians... those Samoans or Koreans..  We're all trifflin' segregationalists when it comes to homebase.  According to Paulo Coelho a warrior of the light knows that everyone is afraid of everyone else, but she eases those fears by reminding herself that others have the same issues, problems and insecurities and fears.  Knowing that, why am I so hurt to the core about gentrification in Windsor Hills or in Bed Sty?  I'm more than resistant.  I hurt.  It pains me.  But I know that if the tables were turned I'd be appalled to see a person express discontent with my presence.  I'd be up in arms if I had been challenged at the laundry-mat about why I had moved into a neighborhood (as I have done out of curiosity and disdain).  I guess it's because I know the power dynamic at play.  White folks are not coming to join us in prosperous living.... their presence displaces us.  We are being collectively shuffled around and moved out when it is decided that what we have is valuable.  And that just doesn't happen the other way around.  Do the black people in Windsor Hills and Leimert Park and View Park and Baldwin Hills not appreciate what they have enough to politely, but definitively refuse?  Don't they know that it was extremely helpful for me to see successful, prosperous black people in my home life.  Don't they know how important it was for me to see them wrap their palm tree in tin foil and a Christmas wreath for the holiday season.  Don't they understand that it was important for me to knock on their doors and say, "trick or treat!" and peak beyond them into their living rooms to see their warmth and abundance?  I needed to see them mow the lawn and leave for work in the morning and come back every couple of years with a new car.  I needed to see them running the library and the fire department and the deaf school.  I needed to be invited over for cookies and prayer.  It would hurt my heart to go back to my old neighborhood and not see anyone that looked like me.  Maybe that has more to do with me than with anyone else...

I'm reading this book on the post traumatic stress disorder of African americans...it's not as clinical or as boring as I just introduced it...  just go with me.  The woman who wrote the book told an anecdote about her son getting verbally attacked by another little black boy, and she said she lamented (and I paraphrase) "Couldn't he (the boy) see that he (her son) was black like him?"  As if, by virtue of being black, there should be solidarity.  I would have never thought critically about that statement a couple of years ago.  Of course we should close ranks around our skin... but upon talking to my Caribbean acquaintances and African friends, people that grew up seeing other black people everywhere and were not necessarily giving the "what up" nod or sneaking in brother or sister in the small talk every time... ... I wonder if I'll see a day when I the 'what up' nod is a gesture that celebrates our humanness, and not just our humanity, but our aliveness.

  Then I'm sure, even in that utopia, we'd rise up as a human/animal/plant nation and attack all the rocks.

LOL...